I will not be celebrating my 20th. Lame, I know. But I've come to realize that I'm just not into group gatherings where the attention is focused on me. Which is odd, because at one point the thought of being the center of attention actually appealed to me. I don't know what happened. I guess this must be me growing up? That or I've just become apathetic about everything. It's likely the latter. I'm surprised myself too, to be honest. But the truth is, I'm just too lazy to plan anything or care for that matter, even with the conveniences of Facebook Events. I'm just going to go buy myself a nice birthday gift, and call it a day. Happy Birthday to Moi! And no, I'm not being sarcastic. I actually, don't want anything to do with my 20th other than it giving me an excuse to binge-shop/compulse-buy with a guilt-free pass. Wow, when did I become so boring? Oh yeah, since I noticed my soul has been ripped out of my body and my sense of purpose is non-existent. Haha, I kidd. Sort of.

I also think I'm experiencing a mid-life crisis, at 19 going on 20. I cringed just typing up that last part. I can't believe my teen years are over. Sad face. But what can you do? Life's a bitch sometimes. More so lately, but I think I'm just in a rut. A big, fat, Grand Canyon sized rut.

"I don't know what to do with my life."

Up until now these words have been the story of life, but now that I actually realize that I'm not getting any younger (with the oh so subtle "BIG 2-0" slapped in my face), these words seem like a threat. And truthfully, I'm scared shitless. I'm tired of complaining about school and about how I want things to be different. They say life is what you make of it, and I believe them. Speaking as a spoiled only child, I'm used to getting what I want. I'm determined to make it happen. It's a promise to myself. Or in the least I need to give it an actual chance. The clock is ticking.

"Don't ask me how or why, but I'm gonna make it happen this time.

My teenage dream tonight, yeah I'm gonna make it happen this time. "